So We Beat On

I apologize for not updating this blog in a long time. I've been suffering from the worst case of writer's block lately that I've not been motivated to update the blog. The irony is that I know what I'm thinking, saying, and feeling. I just don't possess the literary gift of translating all of these dilated and sporadic emotions and ideas into a vernacular that can be easily understood and utilized. In other words, I don't know HOW to say it. I strongly dislike (good ol' euphemism for hate HA) forcing myself to write something for the sake of updating a blog, but I feel like if I don't write something here soon I won't be able to relax or focus until I do so. My desire to write and express is beginning to overcome other aspects of my life.

As some of you may know, my mom and I was recently in Taiwan and South Korea. My godmother, who I have only met a few times, resides in South Korea, so naturally my Mom and I visited her a couple of times for dinner. One of these dinner dates we encountered some strangers. However, they didn't seem like any old strangers to my mom. I can't understand a word of Korean (embarrassing, but I'm only 1/4 Korean, so judge as you like), but I could still tell that these people have known each other for quite some time. How, I did not know then because of my lack of comprehension of the Korean language. It was times like these that I wish my mom taught me Korean as well as Chinese.

When we were eating dinner together, a couple of more people decided to join our party. Like the first man, it seemed as if my mom and these people were good ol' chums. The first man also very friendly with me. He seemed to really care about me, despite just meeting him. Still unaware of who these people were, I couldn't hide my curiosity any longer and whispered to my mom in English who these people were. Of course, my mom didn't take the hint of secrecy and embarrassment (as always) and loudly exclaimed in Chinese for all to hear, "Who? These people? They're my old friends from high school!" They all then turned their heads towards my beet-red face (not from my helpings of beer and soju that dinner) and gave hearty laughs as if they haven't laughed in forty years. My mom always manages to find a way to embarrass me. It's really a gift of hers.

They then switched the language at the table to Chinese, so I was re-leaved that I could at least understand at least most of the conversation. They chatted about their current lives (as my mom hasn't seen these people in over 30 years) and how much things have changed since high school. The dinner was full of genuine laughter, brimming curiosity, and nostalgic stories. I learned a lot about my mom that dinner, as her friends kept on telling me stories about her in high school. Apparently my mom was very popular during high school, and was also "very pretty." I also discovered that my mom was actually the subject of the first serious crush of the first "stranger" that we ran into, which occurred during middle school (I then realized why he treated me so well: my mom was his first crush! You never get over your first crush). I also later realized that meeting with my mom's high school friends was no coincidence; my godmother informed these people of our arrival, and they made no hesitation to being in town during our stay.

This whole conversation got me thinking about my past and future again. Listening to their long-lost tales of their glorious high school moments made me reminisce my high school years, which was only a year ago! It made me realize that high school memories and experiences are more memorable and crucial than I thought. My mom always stressed that many times it's not high school that shapes people, but college. Eavesdropping into her conversation made me question her prior statement. It also made me regret breezing through high school with such apathy. A lot of the memories and adventures that I shared during high school are now only in the form of nostalgic memories, and will remain that way until I forget them. I wish I cherished those moments with more gratitude and not for granted.

The conversation made me ponder upon a topic that continues to be one of my greatest fears: the future. A reason why the future is such a haunting topic is because of its uncertainty. Although I have a good grasp of where and what I want to be in the future, there are still many gaps and holes that are still free and unclogged, sucking in my hopes and security that come within its circumference. A related reason is my inability to specifically comprehend the portrait of my future self. Will I actually be what my goals will lead me towards? Or will I end up somewhere else completely different and forever despise my life? 10 years ago I had no idea that I would be attending UCLA, who I would meet along the journey, and end up typing this blog as I write and you read. Who knows where I'll end up 10 years later? 20 years? Even 30?

Being 19-turning-20 seemed like an impossible realm when I was 7 years old. At the time I thought I would be 7 forever; time was such an imaginary concept that its inevitability seemed to be nonexistent. I refused to believe in aging; I lived for the present, not the future. And here I am, in the intake of a single breath; 19, turning 20 in a few months. I vividly remember watching with my cousins TV shows that included teenage characters and wondering what I would be like when I hypothetically turned that age. To this day I still look in the mirror and try to remember if this is how I expected myself to look when I was 7. I have yet to re-discover the answer. And now I'm beginning to construct templates of what I'll look and act like 10 years later. Will I be wearing a white button-down shirt with an accompanying black tie as I head over to the 12-story office building in San Francisco? Or will I still be sitting here typing blogs?

I also began to imagine who I would still remember and connect with years later. Who will I still be with? Who would still take the time and effort to reconnect and chat with me over coffee when I would be in town? Who would made it a habit of keeping in touch with me instead of letting me slide like an old action figure or pair of jeans? The dinner that night seemed so much beautiful than it appeared to be in the old smoky Korean BBQ shack because my mom was surrounded by people who kept her in their thoughts for these 30 years to the degree that they were still willing to catch up with my mom after not interacting since high school. During their many shared laughs I smiled while recollecting my favorite memories from high school. Finally understanding why the first "stranger" treated me so well, I began to reminisce my past crushes and significant others and how I would act towards them and their possible children years later. If there's something I'm afraid of it's letting memories fade away like eroding cliffs. And it happens without you even realizing; that's the point of forgetting.

Enough about fear and uncertainty though. A strikingly amazing moment was when I actually began to feel excited for the future. I anxiously wanted to see my future self, where I would be, who I would talk to, who I would possibly marry, and most importantly where God would have directed me after all of these years. The fear began to slip away as I became excited for the future. I wanted to share these same laughs with my old high school friends and even college friends, discovering where they ended up and what their lives are like. I wanted to attend my 10 year high school reunion, 20 year, and so on. I wanted to play pickup basketball with my old basketball teammates during high school. I wanted to jam again after 10 long years of disbanding old garage bands, reunited by the power of rock. I wanted to put on my fresh new set of spikes and spring off of the runner blocks like a rocket while dashing towards the finishing tape 100 meters ahead. And I hated track.

The excitement and anticipation for the future completely changed my mindset for the future. At that moment I was no longer afraid of what was to come. I was venturing into my unlit future armed with a flashlight and God's advice and guidance. In that darkness I thought I saw a 6-figure future job. I'm not completely sure if I saw right though. I'll hopefully remember to let you know 10 years later.

Ha. A motif of this blog is memory. Oh Justin, you are so clever.

Another important concept I learned that dinner was that people rarely change. Even after all these years. However, the settings and ideals around us change so significantly and quickly that we often become disillusioned with the idea that we are actually changing but we are not. It's what's around you that's changing, not yourself.

And so I will end with Nick Carraway's famous closer of his narration of the amazing Jay Gatsby, "So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past."